Step One: The Pink Cloud (Journal Entry)

Last time I got sober I went through the Pink Cloud Syndrome, which lasted for ten months and ended in broken windows and a trip to the psych ward followed by a devastating relapse. At the time I was unaware of the pink cloud. I didn’t find out about the pink cloud until 1 1/2 years later when I entered rehab. 

Step One: What addiction looks like for me

As I have descended into the pit of physical, spiritual, mental and emotional decay, my life has become unmanageable. I find myself obsessing over people, places and things that have no direct impact on my current situation; my past, everything I lost, the news, how stupid I think everyone is, how much I hate honkeys.

Such mindless obsessions lead to compulsive behaviors; pacing, biting my nails, trips to the fridge, smoking cigarettes. By the end of the day I feel exhausted from the wreckage in my brain and just want to drink myself to sleep.

I am completely oblivious to the impact my actions have on those around me. It’s like I’m in my own self-imposed prison and I am the judge, jury and executioner whose consequences pertain to myself alone. I am inconsiderate of the fact that there are teenagers in the house who look up to me and take ques from my actions. I don’t care that my children are somewhere out there possibly concerned about me. I extinguish any flicker of hope in becoming a leader in the revolution by beligerently belting out whatever drunken tweet I can manage to produce while in total blackout.

My disease has thrown me into physical, mental, emotional and spiritual ruin. I am physically drained to the point where I don’t want to get out of bed most days. My mental exhaustion causes me to contimplate suicide regularly. I am emotionally distraught and completely powerless over depression. And I am spiritually incapable of summoning the will to carry on and build a new life founded on serenity.

My Only Wish (Journal Entry)

I wish I were a great writer. The type that never grows old. Endlessly quoted by inspiration junkies. Taught in schools across the globe. 

I want to be revered for my works, my contribution to mankind. Not for what I have or what I flaunt or where I live or how I dine.

I want to write words that paint a picture so vivid and divine you could sail the sea of wisdom, a thousand words to clear your mind. 

I want to dwell among the greatest, hold rank at the highest spot. And when I’m gone I’ll live forever through the words I have begot. 

Listen to Everyone ( Journal Entry)

Listen to everyone. We all have a story. We all hold a piece to the puzzle that unlocks the vault of glory. We all have a dream, a wisdom to behold. We all have a plan, we all want to be heard. 

Everyone stumbles, everyone lies. Everyone hurts, everyone cries. Everyone judges what they do not know. Everyone wants what they fail to sow. 

But tucked up in a mountain hidden far away, out of sight, out of mind, in a jar of clay. There’s a map to a treasure hidden in our souls. Those who seek alas find the love they can’t show. 

Id, Ego & Superego (Journal Entry)

Here I go again. My id got the best of me. I run from my life til I can’t get away then it’s back to the same old drunken charade. I don’t know how I got here. Or at least that’s what I like to say. I know exactly how I got here. My I can’t admit my blame. 

The Coveted Prize (Journal Entry)

Tainted memories, faint and bitter sweet. Tossed to the wolves, lost with the sheep. Picking up the pieces but I got nothing left to own. Taped out long before I knew the life that leads to love.

If living were an art form, and love were the coveted prize; my canvas is a heaping pile of confettied hearts and lies.

Off to the Races (Poem)

What I gotta do to get this taste out my mouth
To get this bird out my brain
To get my head out this cloud
Just one sip and I’m off to the races
I’m not gonna slack
Got no time to be down
If it tastes good, looks good, feels good
I want it
Can’t get it outta my mind

Rock Bottom (Poem)

I hit rock bottom
Then I got back up

I kept on walking
Still stuck in the muck
I kept runnin
Kept grindin
Stayed foolin myself
Threw shade at my redemption
Kept diggin that hole
And now I know
There’s nowhere left for me to go but up