Childhood Addict Behavior (Journal Entry)

I been jonesing for sweets since I got sober. Much like in active addiction, I keep telling myself all day I’m not going to indulge in my bedtime snack. But you know how that goes…

I was munching on some M & M’s one night, and I noticed my hand was polka-dotted with all the M & M colors. “Melt in your mouth ay?” I thought to myself. Then I realized they melted in my hand because I smuggled them into the unit by stuffing them in my hot box. 

Which then reminded me of running amok as a child in the streets of California. My siblings and my favorite thing to do was go to the store to get candy then sneak into a field full of tumbleweeds so we could hang out at a tree where addicts would often leave their paraphernalia.

The candy I remember buying the most was any type of Mexican candy because I been feigning for spicy food since I was at least two years old. Next in place was my favorite blast from the past, M & M’s. What initially drew me to M & M’s was the commercial slogan, “Melt in your mouth. Not in your hand…” I always wanted to do the exact opposite of what people expected of me, and this one seemed like a super fun and exciting challenge.

I would pour the M & M’s into my hand and wait for them to melt, M side up. Then I would think of all the words or names that start with an M, beginning with my name (Maria). When they were good and melty, I would shove them all in my mouth then sit back and marvel at the amazing work I had done.

Fastforward to adulthood… As I lay there in rehab, Church lights glistening on the playful polka-dots, I poured another handful of M & M’s… Maria, Marshall, marvelous, marsupial, mayhem, mania, mastermind, magnificent, maleficent, marquee, mercy…

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