A Letter to My Evil Alter (Journal Entry)


Dearest Mean Mean Maria Jean,

We’ve been through many tough times together, and you’ve always been there to stick it to anybody who tried to hurt me. You’ve made me laugh, cry, gag, cough, sneeze and damn near crap my pants all at the same time, and for that I am grateful.

However, the time has come for me to let go of all my anger and resentments. I can no longer partake in pity-parties and mud-slinging contests with you. Although the things you say are funny, certain people might misconstrue some of the mean and hurtful things you say and do as childish and lacking in self-awareness.

Public humiliation and shame are no longer an acceptable part of my personality. My desire is to lift people up, not tear them down and ridicule their every move. I can’t do this while getting drunk and allowing you to enter the spotlight and word vomit jibberish on Twitter like a mad hatter who lost her hat pattern.

I’m sorry my dear friend, but I must kindly ask you to sit on the bench and think about your defects and how they affect the people around you. I hereby renounce your authority to take hold of the reigns and banish you from the spotlight… Forever…

In loving consideration,


P.S. I suspect you may be a serial killer and I super hope it’s not true.

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