Step One: Dicking around with my thumb up my butt (Twelve Steps)


The thumb is a symbol of great power. It represents a vital step in the evolution of man. The anus symbolizes repression, feelings of shame, and self-esteem issues. And dicks? Well, I’ll let the reader decide the meaning of that vernacular.

Anyhoo, I’ve been doing a lot of dicking around with my thumb up my but lately. Indulging in pity parties, self-loathing, whining, complaining about everyone and everything, harping on what this one or that one did to me. Basically throwing my hard earned tools of recovery into the fire.

I keep thinking I’m going to snap out of it, and then… I don’t. The cycle has been going on and on for months, and I’ve finally reached my, “Better get your act together” breaking point.

The other night I came to the realization that my newfound habit of doing everything in bed has become a huge problem. In rehab, they taught us that bed is to be used for two purposes: sleeping and sex. Not eating, drinking, reading, binge-watching, tweeting, job searching, researching, writing, wallowing, drying off from morning showers, getting dressed… You get the point.

My short plunge off the wagon started with drinking dreams, which gave way to overwhelming negative thoughts until I could feel the ice flowing through my veins, and that was the final twist of the ole corkscrew.

Eerily, when I started to slip, I also started waking up with blood on my hands. No cuts, no blood anywhere else, and no clue as to where it came from. Yesterday was the fourth time it happened. I pondered whether I have been murdering people in my sleep then decidedly took it as a warning from the good Lord to stop dicking around with my thumb up my butt. Aren’t we all murdering people in our sleep?

So now I am on a mission to remove thy thumb from thy butt and castrate thy dick protruding from thy mouth. I vow to do the 90/90, get a sponsor in NA and AA, read my daily reflections, and incorporate the basic living practices I learned in rehab into my daily routine.


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