Super Nova (Journal Entry)

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Guilt, shame, blame. I go through the motions then go back to bed. I can’t turn back and I can’t move forward. This pain in my gut is boiling over.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me a thousand times and I lost my point of view. How many times can I endure your love? The bane of my existence is my surrender to your…

I… Can’t… Breathe when I think of all the times you shat upon my heart. Maybe this time it sounds a lot better but what is better what all you know is hurt? And I hate the way I feel most times. No words can fill that cup. I drink then I get drunk then I plant face into the dirt.

And it seems the time has come for me to let this heartache go. All the fears and unforgiveness. The resentments I can’t hold. So I locked them in a cage down there in that cellar in my soul. And I hear them crying out sometimes as I bang against that wall.

But I know I can do much better than this tattered, torrid, torn. This kicked and pushed and battered. This laughed and mocked and scorned.

I refuse to be my mother, a statistic on a chart, live my life in denial, give up before I start. I refuse to aim my sight so low that all I see is muck. I ran amok so many times there’s nothing left to see but up.

As I prepare to do some battle with these demons in my mind, I thank God that I am not alone in this war to stop my shine. We are diamonds in the shadows, a supernova bout to blow. There’s no light we won’t outshine as we find strength in peace and love.

 

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