Step One: Powerlessness (Twelve Steps)

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Upon much contemplation over what powerlessness means to me, I have reached the fullness of my conviction. I struggled with powerlessness the first time I got sober because it was easy for me to stop drinking. If I was powerless over alcoholism why was I able to quit with such ease? It wasn’t until my resentments came to a boil that I gave way to a nearly two-year run of binge drinking and blackouts.

I have since reached the epiphany that it is not alcohol but rather my resentments that I am powerless over. I am powerless over the people, places, and things that cause me pain, and I am powerless over the consequent mental illness that resulted from years of denying that I need psychiatric help. I cannot recover from mental, emotional and spiritual turmoil alone. I must take steps to work through the trauma or I will never live a happy, joyous life.

While huddled in my pity pot of turmoil and mental depravity, I lose track of my goals and any hope of a happy life. I wallow in despair, replaying the trauma over and over until death seems more like an exotic getaway. I avoid any mention of the underlying issues causing me to drink and refuse to speak openly and honestly about my resentments. I allow my anger to present itself in my speech and my actions and I seek negativity at every turn.

If I do not fully admit my powerlessness and turn my will over to a higher power I am certain that the hole I keep digging will drag me to insanity and I will be permanently institutionalized, or worse, dead.

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