Step One: Denial (Twelve Steps)

sand-bury-head-here

“How dare anyone tell me I have a problem. I have been wronged. I have been mistreated. Everyone on the planet is a complete moron. I’m sick of being told I need to wait on the sidelines and accept the fact that I am doomed to destruction because everyone else has a problem. If I am forced to eat everyone else’s shit then I’m gonna drink while I do it so you can save the wagon for someone else…”

My excuses for drinking could go on and on for days… I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m lonely, I need to relax, I can’t sleep… All of which led to the conclusion that I don’t want to live anymore, I hate my life, and I don’t care if I am destroying any hope for a better future because everyday is the same ole story.

About a year ago I started blacking-out pretty much every time I drink. Before that I had blacked-out maybe twice before, but that was because I was taking other drugs like molly and Xanax. And before that I thought “blackouts” were an excuse for whores who use drinking as an excuse to be whores.

One would think the onslaught of blackouts and trips to the psych ward would become a glaring signal that my progressive illness was reaching a dangerous climax. I could not force myself to get out of bed for about three months before I entered rehab. I wallowed in bed all day until I knew the liqueur store was about to close then I would make a run for it so I could drink myself to sleep and repeat the cycle again and again.

In the back of my mind I knew I had a problem. I went through spurts where I would remember the tools I learned while working the AA program for ten months in 2014-15. But I would revert right back to making excuses. “My problem is not that bad, I don’t have withdrawals, I drink because I want to drink, I don’t need to sit at meetings listening to other people’s problems, all they do is repeat the same stuff over and over, I can quit whenever I want…”

 

 

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